Category Archives: feelings

of role models and athletics

Both my high school gym teachers died within the last year or so.  Within a year or so of one another.  I was surprised to learn from their obituaries that they were each only in their early to mid 70s.  … Continue reading

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passing on the past

A person’s past may not define them in any current moment, but it certainly had a hand in shaping them.  The good, the bad and the ugly all began as signposts on the roads not taken, as well as the … Continue reading

Posted in everyday stuff, feelings, my own worst enemy | Leave a comment

deal with the devil

I like music as much as the next guy, maybe even a little bit more.  I have often wished I had more musical talent.  And truthfully, I’m not sure whether I *have* the talent or not.  It’s more that I’m … Continue reading

Posted in blessings, feelings, no man's land | 2 Comments

honest mistakes

Well, we made our annual pilgrimage to St. Louis for Thanksgiving this year.  I was more anxious than usual because of being on testosterone and not knowing what, if anything, Emily’s family members might notice.  Now, I say more anxious … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, no man's land | 3 Comments

do gooder

It was an unusual site in the small well-to-do city in which we live.  To see a woman and child pan-handling outside the local grocery store.  I’d just sent Joita and Nina in on a small shopping expedition and they … Continue reading

Posted in everyday stuff, feelings, foodstuff, parenting | Leave a comment

everything and nothing

There was much bickering and deliberating in the meeting halls of my mind.  The choice no longer whether I would start testosterone or not, but when, where and how.  The easier decisions were logistical, even concrete.  Testosterone gel is applied daily … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, no man's land | 2 Comments

happy day mother-f*&%#$@

I remember learning the concept of catch-22 in junior high school when I half-read the novel of the same name, by Joseph Heller.  I remember being surprised by how much it bothered me, though I couldn’t quite figure out why.  Nobody in … Continue reading

Posted in family of origin, feelings | 2 Comments

winner winner chicken dinner

I’ve written and rewritten this particular post about a million times.  Mostly I’ve gotten stuck on the opening paragraph.  I’ve been trying to write an introduction that captures my actual feelings.  I want to convey the level of delirious rapture, … Continue reading

Posted in blessings, feelings, no man's land | 1 Comment

restless equanimity

I wish I could say I spent the time between being prescribed testosterone and actually getting the testosterone in some kind of humble, mindful, contemplative, equanimity.  I didn’t.  I was a walking bag of anxious irritation.  Hey, I’m nothing if not consistent. … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, in the spiritual realm, Uncategorized | 5 Comments

response and responsibility

I often know when something is not going to end well, when an idea, even in it’s germinating state, is not a good one.   We all do.  Those are the moments when my inner voice urgently entreats, “no good can … Continue reading

Posted in family of origin, feelings, Uncategorized | 2 Comments