Category Archives: feelings

everything and nothing

There was much bickering and deliberating in the meeting halls of my mind.  The choice no longer whether I would start testosterone or not, but when, where and how.  The easier decisions were logistical, even concrete.  Testosterone gel is applied daily … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, no man's land | 2 Comments

happy day mother-f*&%#$@

I remember learning the concept of catch-22 in junior high school when I half-read the novel of the same name, by Joseph Heller.  I remember being surprised by how much it bothered me, though I couldn’t quite figure out why.  Nobody in … Continue reading

Posted in family of origin, feelings | 2 Comments

winner winner chicken dinner

I’ve written and rewritten this particular post about a million times.  Mostly I’ve gotten stuck on the opening paragraph.  I’ve been trying to write an introduction that captures my actual feelings.  I want to convey the level of delirious rapture, … Continue reading

Posted in blessings, feelings, no man's land | 1 Comment

restless equanimity

I wish I could say I spent the time between being prescribed testosterone and actually getting the testosterone in some kind of humble, mindful, contemplative, equanimity.  I didn’t.  I was a walking bag of anxious irritation.  Hey, I’m nothing if not consistent. … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, in the spiritual realm, Uncategorized | 5 Comments

response and responsibility

I often know when something is not going to end well, when an idea, even in it’s germinating state, is not a good one.   We all do.  Those are the moments when my inner voice urgently entreats, “no good can … Continue reading

Posted in family of origin, feelings, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

co-ship

We had an interesting discussion with a friend at dinner the other night that sparked some interesting thoughts and feelings for me.  Emily’s friend Annie is a total sweetheart.  She’s a kind and very good-hearted person who has had more … Continue reading

Posted in feelings, no man's land, relationship | 5 Comments

enemy mine

Ever since reading Hillbilly Elegy something has been niggling at me.  It isn’t that I related to the poverty, misery or even the daily life situations of the hillbillies in Appalachia.  What I related to and what bothered me was … Continue reading

Posted in family of origin, feelings, my own worst enemy, relationship | 3 Comments

fine line

I so very often feel as though I am traversing that proverbial fine line, shambling awkwardly in a zig zag over and across it: the fine line between right and wrong; good and bad; honest and deceitful; joking and sarcastic; real … Continue reading

Posted in everyday stuff, feelings | Leave a comment

whipping boi

Sung to the tune of “no good deed goes unpunished”.  I’m not your whipping boi.  And I’m trying not to be a total douchenozzle – you know, being the white, overly defensive whining asshole.  In general, I try very hard (ok, … Continue reading

Posted in everyday stuff, feelings | 2 Comments

my what a big underbelly you have

It isn’t just because of this election that I have very strong feelings about bullies.  As any of my readers know, my mother herself was/is a bully.  So I’m well acquainted with bullies.  I’ve known them all my life.  There … Continue reading

Posted in everyday stuff, feelings | 3 Comments