T minus 7 days.  Exactly one week from today.  We are moving.  It is actually happening.  And I’ve been realizing more and more that how I go into this is a choice I get to make.  Actually, therapy helped me understand that.  Therapy helps me realize a lot of things, sometimes things I’d rather not.  Not that things realized in therapy are wrong or bad.  Just that more than a few times I have become cognizant in therapy that choices I have made have ended up making things harder for me (and for everyone else around me) rather than easier.  My most recent revelation was that subconsciously I have been blaming Emily for the move (where clearly we share responsibility for the decision we made) and for making it harder for me (because she both has more ready access to her feelings than I do and because she tends to front-load her feelings – and share them).

So I’ve been angry.  And I have thrown my anger in Emily’s face and sullenly done all the packing.  In answer to the question, “so how’s that working for you?”, I’d have to say, “not so well.”  I’m not even sure exactly what changed for me.  I’d like to say it was my deepening awareness, self possession or wiser maturity.  Then I just laugh.  How funny is that?  Whatever it was, at some point we both decided to turn things around.  We’re like that as a couple.  We can both get on and ride the same wave serendipitously.  I love it when that happens.  And before I knew it, she was calling cable companies, getting rid of stuff we haven’t used/don’t need and designing the girls’ rooms and I was getting us signed up for Angie’s List and calling carpenters and fence people.  And we were smiling.  I love it when Emily smiles.  Those crinkles at the corners of her eyes get me every time.

Parts of this move still feel sad and scary.  But I’m choosing not to stay in those places.  I’m choosing to be proactive instead of reactive.  I’m not letting myself dwell in the what ifs.  I’m trying to focus on the what nows.  But the biggest difference for me is that I am letting in the fact that, letting myself believe that, I am not alone.  Emily and I are a team.  Whatever comes, we will handle it.  Together.

About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
This entry was posted in blessings, my own worst enemy. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s