graham cracker siren call

That’s really all it took.  One little graham cracker and I was thrown off the gluten-free train.  Truth be told, I threw myself off the train for that one melt-in-your-mouth, sweet, vanilla, deliciousness that is Keebler.  Friends brought over the fixings for s’mores (that we baked in the toaster oven) and the temptation was too great.  And I’m not sorry I did it.  So there.

gf cookie doughgf cookie dough 1

I know I didn’t make it to the end of my second month of gluten-free eating promise.  No sense beating myself up for not achieving a random arbitrary goal I set willy-nilly for myself.  I pause to reflect.  Is it possible that rather than failing to achieve a goal, my whole “be in the middle ground”, embrace moderation clicked in?  Cue heralding angelsgf cookie dollop?  At least I hope that’s what happened.  Look, I didn’t eat a dozen s’mores (though I seriously wanted to).  I ate one.  I didn’t get angry at myself for eating it.  I didn’t feel like I failed at something for eating it.  And I didn’t spontaneously combust because I ate it.  Not that I thought I would necessarily.  Well, not really.

gf cookie dollops

Just, right now I’m noticing the feeling of acknowledging the process as opposed to idealizing the goal.  In therapy I would often feel the need to work on my all-or-nothingness.  I held firm to my do-it-completely-or-don’t-do-it-at-all mentality.  I can hear my dad saying, “don’t do a half-assed job.”  Clearly he was the installer of that button.  And I learned the lesson well.  I have always told myself to do the whole thing or do nothing at all.  But make no mistake, I still completely believe that when it comes to laundry.  Putting the dirty clothes in the washer is NOT doing laundry.  See it through man!  Wash, dry, fold, and put away!  That’s doing laundry.

gf oat apple 2gf choc chip cookiesgf corn muffingf oat apple

But I digress.  In the world of my being, that-all-or-nothing mentality has never gotten me anywhere.  Well, except a rung lower on the self-esteem ladder.  I think hockey has been helpful to me in this area.   No seriously, hear me out.  I’ve begun to notice that the progress, no matter how small, is important.  The first time I put on skates, was literally the first time I’d put on skates.  I couldn’t even remain upright those first few times on the ice.  It took close to a year before the coach even introduced us to the puck.  And then I felt like I was back to square one completely inept.  We had to remind one another of where we had started.  So rather than giving up, or experiencing it as back to the drawing board disappointment, we helped one another see it as just another step in a forward process.  This past Thursday I skated the puck up the ice on a breakaway, skirted 2 defenders and took a shot from the top of the circle (with my backhand no less) on goal (an accurate shot that hit the goalie in the shoulder).  No, it didn’t find the back of the net, but you have to admit, that is some serious progress from not being able to stand up.  And I have not let not reaching my goal, of playing in the NHL as the first transgender person, stop me.  So what does hockey have to do with graham crackers?  I’m getting there.  I’m getting there.  It’s all about letting go of the black and white, the all or nothing, of everything.  Just because I had one graham cracker doesn’t mean I should now go gluten gorging.  Great Hali, you’ve blown it.  Eaten a graham cracker.  Now you might as well eat the bag of Chip’s Ahoy while the Betty Crocker cake bakes.  Perhaps there is a way to be moderate in my gluten consumption.  There’s a thought.  Reality is that there are reasons I’ve enjoyed not eating gluten and there were definite benefits.  Truth is, I never really ate that much gluten anyway.  The things I’ve missed the most, like real challah on Friday night, can be eaten in moderation without opening glutenous flood-gates, bloating my belly or exhausting myself.  The point is discernment not deprivation.  Hmmm.

{note of interest… all photos in this post are of my gluten-free baking adventures}

About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
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