do you see what I see

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Seems a simple enough question really. So why do I so often feel like I need the warning – Caution: objects in mirror are … different … than they appear?  Maybe I should just get rid of my mirrors altogether. Why is it sometimes when I pass a mirror I see one thing, when other times (even that same day) I look into the same mirror and see something completely different? And why do I spend so much time in front of the damn things antagonizing myself?

I’m healing well actually, doing more, experiencing less physical pain. I’m ramping up to my regular routine. Sans hockey still. Which is undoubtedly a source of my existential pain. There is still too much tissue left on my left side. The right side is, well, interesting looking if not entirely flat. The surgeon is going to fix whatever “contour” issues there are in the fall.  But that leaves me the summer to contemplate. Not to mention the ongoing bathing suit saga. And still all those confounded mirrors.

In the meantime, outside the ridiculousness in my head, the feedback I’ve gotten from others is that I am standing and walking taller. I appear to be more confident and infinitely happier. Emily said I am easier to be around, less stressed, more calm and insouciant and definitely more energized. Tracy just looked at me.  I saw surprise, comprehension, compassion, understanding, appreciation and love in the look on her face as she said, “I didn’t expect you to look so different.”

About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
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