the end of the month when resolutions began

I started this blog with a list of things I wanted to focus on for the year. That was back in September. September, when we were back in Genesis, the Torah explaining the importance of words, of naming things, of creating with speech, of speaking. And I was so right there, naming, speaking, talking, processing. Thankfully, I was also being heard, listened to.

Now, we are beginning Exodus, where we are reading, will read, about coming out from our narrowness and tight places, about exodus from our slavery, about figuring out who we are and where we belong. I guess I’m right on track then. Of course, if I don’t figure it out and stay on track, I’ll always have next year’s reading, can pick up where I left off or grab another thread and weave.  I love that.At the risk of sounding cornier than I clearly already am, I do feel a certain sense of liberation, of hope that things will be different, better.  I started this month looking back, remembering viscerally what I/we were about to deal with just one year ago. But I think I needed this month of  looking back for me to be able to move ahead. I had a driving instructor who said that one cannot drive a car well and only look forward through the windshield. It is equally true that one cannot drive and only look backwards. Like everything, balance is required. It is time for me to live life looking forward.  But I do need to glance in my rear view mirror every so often, if only to live in a space of aliveness and gratitude.

And just a reminder for myself from my Genesis days…

I want to be a better spouse. I want to be more tender, more demonstrative. I want to speak the gratitude I feel for having the amazing wife and family and life I have. I want to be a better parent; more involved with, attentive to and deeply present for my children day to day. I want to be a better chaplain. I want to be more mindful, more centered, more grounded, more spiritual, more deeply connected. I want to practice music, learn a language, capture nature with my camera. I want to be more ritually involved, be more joyful, grateful and daring….

I’m still working from this original list. I like it. I’ve added to this list that Emily and I will go out for dinner once a month and go to a movie once a month, getting a babysitter for those times so we can spend quality time alone together. Now if only that toddler would cooperate.

And yes, I am aware I left off the last goal from my original list. Still, some goals are just too lofty.

I am grateful for the shaping of my past, and the promise of my future.

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About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
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