happy holidays

Yes, I know, the holidays were over two weeks ago. My last blog posting was a month ago (prepare yourself faithful reader, I will be back-posting soon… and I will define back-posting sooner). Seriously, this monkey on my back is tough. I haven’t written, but I haven’t missed a day of feeling guilty about it either. Part of the problem is I’m so busy. And that is only a problem with regards to this blog. Otherwise, I am enjoying the things that are keeping me busy. At any rate, I’d like to take a moment to do a year in review. Which for me is actually a half year in review. I celebrate the new year in the fall with Rosh Hashanah. I do a life review then. I make my resolutions (or, in more honest terms, my suggestions) for the coming year and try to let go of the previous year.  January for me is more of a half year review, a time to tweak the propositions I suggested in September with modifications, amendments and, when necessary, back to the drawing board tactics. Anything to decrease stress and eliminate the possibility of failure. Life is stressful enough without adding pressure with unrealistic goals and deadlines.

Last year this time was the darkest my life had seen. The reality of Emily’s breast cancer diagnosis casting a pall over our whole house.  We lit candles for Chanukah and forced happiness in that strained way grown ups do when they think the kids can neither see nor feel it.

I went back to our “lotsa helping hands” website and reread our posts and updates from the year. Even with it behind us, even with the knowledge that we all survived (and even thrived through) it, the pain was palpable and I closed the computer with a lump in my throat and heaviness is my heart. How on earth did we manage?

But we did. And this year we didn’t force the joy. It simply infused us quietly. The remnants of the past year still clung in some places. But instead of peering into an unending darkness, we made our own beeswax candles and brought just a hint of light back in.

I may live a little more, blog a little less. Once a month Emily and I will go out to dinner just the two of us. And once a month we will go to a movie or enjoy some other entertainment together. To stay close and allow the light to come back in. Amen.

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About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
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