beginnings, middles, odds and ends

Focused on the minutiae, I lose the grandeur. Twas the night before… no no, that’s already been done. I will say this though, I just had a revelation comparable to Sinai. Here I am making myself insane with preparing to lead services as if I’m appearing on the religious version of Iron Chef or Jewish Idol. And the reality is there is not a single person in the congregation who is judging me. In fact, quite conversely, everyone in the congregation only wants to see me succeed. I am the only one judging me, only slightly harsher than Simon. The loving, welcoming, accepting, encouraging people I work with every day are there with me, not against me. Funny how knowing that and feeling it are two different things.

On the brink of another newness. As I mentioned, I spent some time on soul work with Tracy. And it only took me a few minutes in her presence to let go of the shoulds and have tos so that I could move into the real stuff. I was certainly influenced by the group discussion I’d just left on belonging. But as I am well aware, belonging is my achilles heel. So I should have expected it to stay with me. For a long time just the thought of belonging was enough to break my own heart and shame me. The questions weren’t even formed and I was annihilated completely. For so many years I have tip toed around this pain. Only with Tracy have I prodded the wound. And even then, so tentatively as to barely cause a ripple on the surface.

Forget about “Where do I belong?” and “Who am I?” For me, the bigger question has always been: “WHAT am I?” And I mean that in all sincerity and honesty and in the literal sense. WHAT am I? Am I aGirl? Boy? Man? Woman? Either? Neither? Both?

First, the flush of raw emotion in just saying it, seeing it, in print. Deleting it over and over only to type it again. Because it is true and real. Because I feel so confused, so shamed. And yes, I know what my birth certificate says: baby girl. But that has never been quite how I’ve felt.  And what that has meant over the course of my lifetime has changed and evolved and morphed. It hasn’t ever been as simple as one or the other for me. Boy or girl? Man or woman? Neither. Undefinable in a binary system. Definitely trans-gender, beyond a simple singly defined gender. And this is the year I’m going to explore that. What does it mean to me to be transgendered?

With that revelation, with that coming clean, transparent honesty, now let the real blogdown begin. I really need to breathe now. And in doing so, I would like to send a strong, deep, loving, accepting breath to all those who are in need

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About halitentwo

i am. god is. we are. as soon as i write something about me i change, am different, evolving. i am trans. i am a parent. i am a partner. i am a human. i am attempting to live a well-lived life in the spaces in between, beyond definition, fluid, dynamic, omnifarious and always changing. hopefully growing.
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